The Fam

I’ve always respected the Dalai Lama, and today I ran across a posting at DaddyFactory with some instructions on being a good father. It’s good advice.

Zayne, being a Pampers wearer, suffers from VML (Visible Muppet Lines). (For those that don’t know, Pampers diapers are printed with Muppet and Sesame Street characters.)

The diaper I put on him tonight after he got out of the bath had Ernie on it. I was a bit hesitant to expose Zayne to Ernie at this early stage, because I think we all know Ernie’s a bit heterosexually-challenged*. Then I thought this is the perfect time to start teaching tolerance to the boy. I mean, Ernie’s big and orange and gay, but he’s just like you and me, right?

[Thanks to DaddyTypes, for coining VML]
*Apparently, using the word “G-A-Y” in a publicly searchable arena is not the brightest of ideas. See “Searches” for more info.

You would be three years old today. It’s hard to believe that so much time has already passed. Some days it seems like a hundred years ago, and other days it catches me so much by surprise that I have to stop whatever I’m doing. The hardest and best thing I ever did was hold you after you were born. I’m not a very religious person, but I truly think that you’re somewhere watching over us all. Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you very much!

——
Man. It doesn’t feel like it’s been three years. For those that don’t know the story, our daughter Ashlynn Marie was stillborn on December 2, 2002 at 37 weeks gestation. She was technically full term. After several batteries of tests, we still don’t know what the cause was.

There are some theories related to medical problems that Dawn has since been diagnosed with:
Celiac (aka gluten intolerance) - Dawn was diagnosed with this in April of the following year, but she had been having symptoms during the pregnancy.
Factor V Leiden - This is a blood clotting issue. Dawn was diagnosed with this in December of 2003 after being admitted to the hospital with multiple(!) clots in her lungs and leg.

Who know what caused our loss - the end result is still the same.

Our OB was just as crushed as we are. She was the one that allowed us to induce Zayne at 36 weeks just to make sure everything would be OK.

One of the great helps during our initial recovery was the local branch of the Share - Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support group. Somehow it really helped to sit and talk and cry with other families who’ve experienced loss.

Many people told us that they didn’t know what to say to us. It’s not exactly the kind of situation that everybody’s been through and can relate to. (No, having an abortion does not mean you have any kind of idea how I feel.) The problem was that some people said nothing at all for quite a while. It would have been fine to just get a hug.

“Some plans were made and rice was thrown
A house was built, a baby born
How time can move both fast and slow
Amazes me” - Bright Eyes / I Believe In Symmetry

Zayne,

Today you’re 16 weeks old. You’re growing so quickly and learning new things every day.

You had your first solid food the other day. You weren’t sure what to think at first, but now you practically beg for it. It’s so cute to watch you stare as someone spoons the food out of the container - sometimes you’re so excited it’s hard not to laugh. When the spoon gets close enough, you grab the hand of the person feeding you and start pulling it towards your mouth, as if you don’t trust them to do it right.

You’re such a happy baby. Nothing brightens my day more than coming home and having you smile and goo at me. Even if you’re upset about something, you’ve still got a smile. It’s kind of funny sometimes to watch a pout change into a brief smile and back into a pout, so if mommy and I laugh we’re just loving how hard you try to be happy.

Now that you’ve started solid food, you’ve been trying to put anything you can get your hands on into your mouth. We have to be careful where we leave your burp cloths and such, since you usually end up with one corner shoved in your mouth if we look away for a minute. You even tried to eat daddy’s finger!

You don’t know it, but mommy and I worry a lot about you. When you’re sleeping, we sneak in a lot just to make sure you’re OK. Someday when you’re older we’ll tell you about your sister Ashlynn and maybe you’ll understand why we’re more paranoid than your average parents.

I can’t wait to see what the next weeks hold. Just remember, no pizza after eight and no dates until you’re 16.

Love,
Daddy

This is a bit off-subject, since it’s not directly about the boy, but I figured it’s a good forum. The Mom and I have been trying lately to make more conscious decisions about what we buy - especially what we eat. We have been doing our best to buy organic when we can, and are avoiding companies that own or operate factory farms.

There are some really good resources available to get more information about these topics. These are some of my favorites:

• Store Wars - A look into organic foods, and the dangers that are increasingly appearing in store bought products.
• The Meatrix - Talks about factory farms, and their impact on our environment and economy.
• Farm Aid - The original. More “serious” than the previous two links, and a great wealth of information. I wear my “Stop Factory Farms” shirt with pride.
• Bad Corporation - Want to know who owns a company? Want to know all of the products a company makes? Want to know all of the things a company does that will make you not want to patronize them anymore? This is the place. Take a look at the dirt on an innocent-sounding company like Sara Lee.

Okay. Off my soapbox. Back to the regular programming.

Starting Tuesday, I go back to work. The first week I’m back I only work half days. When I arranged this plan with my boss of one full week off and one week of half time, it seemed like a good compromise. Now, I’m not so sure.

I don’t want to go back. I’ve gotten very used to being able to see and hold the little man whenever I feel like it. Sure, the first couple of days home all I could think about was getting back to work, but now that the initial culture shock has worn off, I think I like being around the little guy.

Everybody told me that I was very lucky to get almost two weeks off for the birth of my son. I want more. The Mom gets six weeks of maternity leave. Where’s my paternity leave?

According to this article, 45 other countries in the world ensure that fathers get some kind of paternity leave. Where’s mine? Sure, under the Family Medical Leave Act, I’m eligible for 12 weeks of leave when my child is born. The catch? The 12 weeks are unpaid, and only companies with 50 or more employees are required to comply. I don’t think my company is large enough, and we couldn’t afford to lose that much income anyway.

Are we still so career-driven as a society that men are afraid for their jobs if they take time off? Yes, my job is important, but it’s not something that can’t be delegated and lightly managed from home. I’m not worried about someone stepping in and stealing my limelight because I’ve already established myself.

I don’t know what the answer is. I just know I want more time with my kid.